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alright, alright, alriiight! aww shit, aww shit, aww fuuuck! *badaaa, bupbupbupbupbubaaah**weird mouth noises* (markiplier starts the routine mating dance) biddeliddleliddleiddleliddle... ah! ah fuck. i don't had th- what the fuck are you doin'? (this isn't a blowjob simulator?!) uhum...i don't know if this is supposed to be slightly erotic or what's happening

ohhhhh oh! oh! (hawhawhaw) it's so realistic! i can blow these! i'm blowing so good! oh, where's my b to blow controls?? where the god damn is my - oh, they're over here

wrong side! *chortles* i'm so stupid! uh - hey! uh-they're wrong, but okay! i'll take that hello! oh, wait, no. you're not the audience actually you're kind of in the exact same place as the audience so...

hello, everybody! my name is mark - ah god dammit hello - i'm just gonna keep it down hello, everybody! my name is markiplier and welcome to job simulator! i finally got... this all working... i had it loaded up so he forgot what he was supposed to say and i already got these over here, so! *mark blowing noises* bblublu, blublublu bleurh

it's so realistiiiic! okay, anyway so... i... am... okay, so, *fumbles* ahfusdj! try - let's ah shut up!

[computer:] there's never a dull day in the old cubicle farm oh shut up! as if i have time for this bullshit! you stay outta my way, i'll stay outta your way we'll both have a good time! yay! *joyfully* where am i?! [computer bot:] hello, human. welcome to an accurate simulation of ~office worker~

uhuh... okay so [computer bot:] take a look at this board for instructions. oh, good! "take paper when ready" i don't know if i want to do that where do i - oh. here. okay... uh. get to work? ah fuck y-

[computer bot:] workers would traditionally start... *slow-mo* ahh fuuck yyo- (the horror) [computer bot:] ...their day with an addictive liquid stimulant. ahh! *terrified markimoo noises* what did i hit?? oh, god! oh, god!

everything's fine! everyone, cooperate! oh, lordy hey, look! da-nerts! not that one. this one *chomp* blarerh her *chomp* bblareurh blareuh blar nyum nyum nyum nyum *grunts* oh, my god! it's magic!

ahhhhhhh! om nom i can't get enough! oh, god! someone stop me! the diabetes is gonna get me! ahhhh! "you're here forever" you're god damn right i am. who is that?

who's be making noise over there? i'm tryna to concentrate with my coff eh! got it! yeah let me just get a little bit of that tasty goodness i like my coffee... like i like my soul... black

*grunts* *computer chimes* good enough! 'nuff of those devil foods oh, god. what happened? there i am! okay. what?! but i already took the pa- ah fuck you!

[computer bot:] now you are ready to start your day. ugghh [computer bot:] it's time for ~computer~ hey, fuck bag! wake up! [computer bot:] the computer is the most important facet of the office with humans and safety being a close second and third. shut up

eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh- -i should probably put the safety straps around my arms that would be a smart thing to do! but i ain't that! boink! yeah! okay "please type your password" *monkey grunts*

*phone rings* shut up! *more monkey grunts* hello? [person on phone:] hello there, can you get me number one, please? i need number one. line one for me, please. get me number one... oh, god [person on phone:] i need to talk to someone at line number one oh, god [person on phone:] hello there. can you get me number one...

ahhh! shut up! aaaahh eh ah ah! i did it! yeah! [computer bot:] email is an inefficient form of communication popularized in the mid 1990s. umm...

is this bruce almighty? holy shit! does your life suck? you're god damn right [computer bot:] ah. the freedom of inbox zero. weird weird how 'bout a little ass! [worker bot:] who threw this? stand up! who did it? that guy! it wasn't me!

it certainly wasn't me i don't even know how to throw i don't even have arms! just hands floating in mid-air! i'm the guy from super smash bros ah uh uh uh uh uh ah uh ah uh ah uh "take paper when ready"????

i was messing around with the computer the whole time?! ah god dammit. what do you want? [computer bot:] here comes supervisor bot. better look busy! ahbluhblehbleh [supervisor bot:] okay, everybody. let's make some ~business~ *panicked button pressing* [supervisor bott:] jocelynn, i'm counting on you to

~paradigm shift~ those ~optimizations~ [joceylnn:] uhaughlh. you c-can count on me [supervisor bot:] that's what i like to hear! hey, human! you've been doing a ~good job~ i've been thinking about giving you a ~promotion~

in fact! if nothing goes wrong in the next ten seconds, the job's yours! uh! eh uh uh uh uh oh nothing's going wrong! ehh uh i'm doing great, boss! [supervisor bot:] ya see. that's why i like you! always workin' hard to climb that ladder.

[supervisor bot:] take this! the new position's yours! oh boy! take this, boss! heh! sorry! didn't mean to do that! thank you! wow! [computer bot:] good job, human. you're climbing the ranks. and here comes boss bot. it looks like he's got more work for you.

aw crap! but i don't want more work! i got a piece of paper god dammit! why do i need these?? it's the same damn thing! [boss bot:] hello, human. - fuck you, boss bot - i am boss bot. thank you. oh, god. [boss bot:] i've seen you have logged in. so i am here to give you your first task of the day.

we need to bring some new bots on board so look through your resumes and find two bots to hire. oh. no. i wanted to caress your chin or grundle. i don't know if that was which i don't know hah [computer bot:] you heard them. make sure you pick the ~best~

bots for the job. you got it, boss! i'm on it! where's my god damn resumes? i'm the really tall human oh! down here oh good. let me just sort through this with so much care fuck this guy! how 'bout no?

this guy's green. i like him (septiplier awayyy) already hired did it! hipster bot? i can dig it [safari bot:] i can't believe it's my first day! ah - wait. what?! was that you? oh!

[hipster bot:] jobling within a job. who'd've thought it! uhhhh... i am utterly confused. i didn't know you guys were here or else i would have been a little more polite woops what now? "take paper -" god dammit with the - i know! i get it!

[boss bot:] have you seen the latest sales report? what [boss bot:] this isn't good. load up the old spreadsheet program and fix these numbers. okay. you got it, boss. i know what - i - i know how to solve it i know what to do! oh god no

this is horrifying! it's too much on hot sauce! wait. no hang on eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh ahah! okay

yaay! business! alright! woah hello one "totally legit revenue book" uh. alright, here you go [boss bot:] wow. you cook those books like a professional ~gourmet chef~

that comes next! that's not my job yet! but it's gonna be god damn papers [computer bot:] it's time for lunch. at midday, humans would interact with primative robots known as ~vending machines~ to obtain food. *random bash from slide screen*

i don't have - oh. thank you for the money is this the only pay i'm going to get for the rest of my life? alright bam! i want me some triangles, please [computer bot:] looks ~delicious~ enjoy your meal, human. uhlah

oh. do i need to, like do i - how do i? ah! *chomp* ah! i ate the bag! [worker bot:] hey, coworker. can you get me a ~candy bar~ am i gonna die?? i'm a hooman! i don't do with plastic!

[computer bot:] looks like it's stuck. sadly, this was common with early generations of robots. eh eh! ah! ah! *rabbit humping squeaky toy* eehhhhh okay. we're good enough i guess take it! asshole! [worker bot:] thanks, coworker!

ugh why am i on my knees?? ughh. why hath life forsaken me?? work. fine. okay. [worker bot:] hey, coworker. over here. what? [worker bot:] look on your computer and check out these hilarious pictures! oh okay "has hi -" shit. uh. oh no.

hahahahahaha hahahahaha ahahahahah memes [boss bot:] i am looking forward to your presentation today on more of the that we did in the last week. uh oh [computer bot:] so, boss bot wants you to do a presentation. you'll need to make some slides.

time to learn about an ancient human technique called ~winging it~ [computer bot:] try using this program in your computer. but i just put flappy bot in! i don't want to do this! god, i don't want to actually work! i'm so stoopid what?! oh. you're not talking to me. okay

alright. let's do this. how do we do this? uhhhhhhh this looks borderline unreadable. uhhhhhahhhzzm motivalcationalism transition is cheesy overview is visual with memes. lots of memes. dramaatic deceitful

then... finally ending with professional and... call to action! i won't - wah - oh oh good. okay. i'm ready. let's see it everyone! gather 'round! i'll stand up! alright, everyone -

[boss bot:] sooo... you ready to go through this presentation? you know it, boss! [boss bot:] use the clicker - you got it [boss bot:] use your body to go through your slides. what the hell is that? [boss bot:] interesting concept. memes! hahaha!

[worker bot:] wow! interesting. uhuh [boss bot:] nice job, human. mind if i keep this..? [boss bot:] that was very why'd you leave me with your dildo? alright. fine then [worker bot:] who threw this? stand up! who did it? fugg you! i want your mustache. you bring it over to me!

hello. who are you? [worker bot:] hey, human. bot number ~10110~ is retiring tomorrow. we wanted to give them a parting gift. everyone is pitching in. why don't you give me something you'd like to contribute? uhhh uhhah

what does this do? "you're hired" how 'bout that? [worker bot:] that's how you want them to remember their old job? it said, "you're hired!" [worker bot:] do you think you could type up a quick card to go with this? oh, my god! i already did this! i don't - i don't have time for this i got work to do, man

"love letter" love it oh. shit "i... emotion... you" "<3" okay! good enough the emoji says it all there you go! [worker bot:] that looks good. hand it to me and i'll handle the rest. thanks for helping out.

no problem! happy to do it you have a nice day now i'm gonna be here pulling this stupid piece of paper that's going to give me more assignments [boss bot:] uh. things aren't going too well. we need to find a couple of bots we can let go. take a look at these employee evaluations. *random stamping*

okay. alright. didn't i just hire this guy? ah, well. he won't miss it then he has no idea what he's going through okay! uhh... yeah. too fancy for our taste. [cowboy bot:] i was saving up to buy a new hard drive don't you kind of need that to survive?

is that like getting breast implants? [fancy bot:] first, my stapler jams, and now this? sorry! i'm not really sorry. i actually don't care we humans don't have jobs anymore alright, goodbye! [computer bot:] in the office, coworkers would converse around the liquid dispenser. [mustache bot:] did you hear that - *glug*

[mustache bot:] check out these photos of my many children. do you bear childr - [worker bot:] hey, bill. did you see the ~sports event~ on tv last night? no [worker bot:] it was pretty ~touchdown~ i don't think that makes sense, and i don't even follow sports, ya asshole! how 'bout you take your kids -

can i have this? thank you i want this can i have these? can i burn these? what can i do with these? ehhhh ehhhh what lovely kids you have do i have any kids?

oh, yeah, i do! look at this it's adorable. look at me! look at my life! [mustache bot:] aww. that's sweet. i know! it's so sweet fuck off! alright, whatever

what next? what do i got? i'm ready hup! i said... [boss bot:] yeah. hey, look. i've got some papers i need you to shred. it has to be you for legal reasons. i don't really want to get into it. oh, jeez. [boss bot:] here. just look in the case. shred everything. just get rid of it.

but the money. why do i need to shred the money? that seems exactly like what i should have *starts machine* what happens if i stick my hand in here? ahh! it's buzzing! it's buzzing so nicely what happens if i stick my whole head in here? oh. it's terrifying oh, my god!

ahhh!! ah! i'm gonna get outta there now i guess. alright. fine then okay. cool! where's all that shooting out? that poor guy's office ah. no one cares why the money?

but i like money! come on, man [boss bot:] see, here's the other thing... i just found out for insurance reasons you can't actually have this much stuff in your cubicle. what [boss bot:] so, uh, you're going to need to get rid of some of that too. aww noo! but i cherish all these random devices!

i'm not getting rid of my stapler god no what's down here? alright. fine. goodbye! no happiness left in my life no need to drink when i'm probably gonna die soon i didn't even like you to begin with "world's most average worker"

[boss bot:] alright. that'll do. no, i'm not done yet! [boss bot:] tell me for sure when you're done. hang on! i'm not done! i got more stuff to do i don't even know who this is i wanted to hire him! i should've hired that guy alright. some of this

get all the way in there what about you? *random babbling* i don't even know the time. i love working so much i'll never leave what's this? [job bot:] i'm a computer! okay... [job bot:] all work and no play makes job bot happy!

job bot says, get to work! keep working and you'll get a promotion! ...maybe! [job bot:] i love my job! i'm a computer! okay. bye, job bot [job bot:] h-h-h-help [boss bot:] that was a close one. alright. carry on. we're doing good, guys woah

[police bot:] hold it! don't let that bot get away! ahh. i'm sorry! it wasn't me! okay. goodbye now toodles [ceo bot:] hello, human. i am ceo bot. hi! [ceo bot:] here's the thing. boss bot needs to go away for a while, and you've been doing a really

~good~ job. [ceo bot:] so i would like to offer you a promotion. [worker bots:] happy to ~human~ ~human~ *toot* *toot* [worker bot:] now make a wish and blow out the candles. (the struggle is real)

why isn't this working? why isn't it working?! it's perfect! oh [worker bot:] sorry, human. looks like there's not enough cake for you. wait! well that's - [worker bot:] here you go, human. i got you a ~present~

why is there a butt p- i - i - nevermind then! forget i said anything what do we have here? [ceo bot:] now that you're the boss of this department i'll leave it to you to do the honors. *markimoo gasp* the honors of what? [worker bot:] yay!

oh yeah! [worker bot:] woo-hoo! do i get to go home? [worker bot:] it's time to go home! good job, everyone! let's get out of here before boss tries to stop us! [worker bot:] wah-hoo! hahahaha! am i supposed to just keep da - oh, hello

[worker bot:] hooray! it's five o'clock. work is over! [ceo bot:] yeah... i'm going to have to ask you to come in on ~saturday~ awwww [computer bot:] well, there you have it, human. i hope this has given you a better idea of what it was once like to yes! it has. you asshole! [computer bot:] you can head out and go back to the museum if you want to

[computer bot:] we'll just be hanging out here while you do, whatever you want. come on, man! i want to go home. i'm a human we have human bodily needs! i need to go home and look at p0rn! you robots wouldn't understand! you don't understand us! you don't understand humanity! you don't understand anything!

"please eat your selection" what is this? my exit burrito i have a funny feeling i know how this is gonna end *homp homp* (really?) woah. what the - wait! what did it say? it said something on there! [computer bot:] hello, human. grab a cartridge from the tray and let's get to work.

oh, it's gold! give that a good blow that's gold and delightful, but anyway so that is all, for job simulator for now that's the office worker, of course and there's more versions of job simulator in the game but let me know if you guys want to see them and let me know what other virtual reality games you want me to play on the vive

in the future thanks again, everybody, so much for watching and as always, i'll see you... in the next video! buh-bye! (look at this awesome markimoo dance) (look at it) (it's so awesome) (not even john cena can equal this shit) subtitles by pearl cardis & other awesome people

add your name above if you helped with subtitles